10 Holiday Jokes from Famous Comedians

’Tis the season to be jolly, and merry, and all that other cheerful stuff. Sure, 2016 may have been more bah humbug than hallelujah, but that’s no reason not to embrace the most wonderful time of the year. Give the gift of adventure with a Watson Adventures gift certificate, or if you’re in New York, join a whole week of scavenger hunts between Christmas and New Year’s.

In the meantime, enjoy this list of some of our favorite holiday jokes. Keep quips and one-liners ready to deploy during awkward eggnog conversation or literally any time anyone tries to bring up politics at the dinner table. You’re welcome, and happy holidays!

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. —W.C. Fields

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. —Henny Youngman 

Christmas, when kids all over L.A. will be visited by the old man who comes around once a year bearing gifts: their real dad. —Jay Leno 

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa Claus? —Bart Simpson 

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out of town any quicker than the Christmas spirit. —Kin Hubbard

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.  —Dave Barry

When I was little, my grandfather one Christmas gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids, and said, “You two share.” —Steven Wright

Jews have a lot of holidays. Sometimes I stay home for no reason. “Jon, is it a holiday? Yeah, it’s Achm Blacm day.” —Jon Stewart 

Probably the worst thing about being Jewish during Christmastime is shopping, because the lines are so long. They should have a Jewish express line: “Look, I’m a Jew, it’s not a gift. It’s just paper towels!” —Sue Kolinsky

My mom wanted to know why I never get home for the holidays. I said, “Because I can’t get Delta to wait in the yard while I run in.” —Margaret Smith